ESCANABA — After thousands of Delta County residents spent the weekend searching for answers—from Escanaba to Ford River, Wells, Gladstone, Bark River, and as far away as Stonington—investigators have finally announced the official cause of the mysterious vehicle explosion.
According to sources, the black Pontiac Thunderbird simply reached its annual limit of “holding it together.”
The announcement follows nearly 48 hours of relentless speculation, during which many residents admitted they had “no firsthand knowledge whatsoever,” but nevertheless felt obligated to weigh in.
Within minutes of the blast, Facebook detectives had already solved the case no fewer than 137 different ways.
Among the leading theories: A gas leak, an electric vehicle battery… despite the fact it wasn’t an electric vehicle, a meteor, Canadian espionage, and a government cover-up – “Definitely something they don’t want us to know.”
One local resident reportedly narrowed the possibilities down to exactly two. “It’s either aliens… or ethanol.”
The investigation took another turn Saturday afternoon after multiple eyewitnesses claimed they had identified the exact make and model of the vehicle from a photo of the scorched, melted remains.
Unfortunately, the vehicle was variously identified as a Pontiac, a Thunderbird, a Grand Prix, a Monte Carlo, a Crown Victoria, a Chrysler 300, and “my cousin’s old Buick.”
Investigators praised the public’s enthusiasm while gently reminding residents that “once a car has melted into what resembles a charcoal briquette, positive identification becomes… challenging.”
Local internet traffic reportedly peaked Saturday evening as thousands refreshed Facebook every six seconds hoping someone, somewhere, had finally posted the answer.
By Sunday morning, many residents admitted they were less interested in what actually happened than in proving the person arguing with them in the comments was wrong.
Officials say the real cause of the explosion remains under investigation.
Facebook, however, announced the case had been solved approximately nine minutes after the explosion occurred.
At press time, the comments section remained divided between people demanding answers, people claiming they already had them, and one guy insisting the entire incident somehow traced back to the price of eggs.
