SAULT STE. MARIE — Local sandwich assembler and self-described culinary visionary Chef Anthony spent several days investigating why business at Coup of the Day has slowed to a trickle, ultimately concluding that the culprit is not customer service, politics, or the internet, but rather two satirical articles published by The Apple.
The first article joked that the owner of the downtown coffee shop had declared the Canadian flag “the greatest threat since decaf,” while the second suggested the City Commission had entered into an alliance with Canada’s “overlords” after a Canadian flag was displayed during a recent council meeting commemorating the sister-city relationship—an event that also happened to coincide with America’s 250th anniversary, drawing criticism from some residents who questioned why the American flag was not also displayed.
According to Chef Anthony, those articles “weaponized comedy” against him.
“I was doing tremendous business,” Anthony reportedly said while meticulously rearranging a display of Catholic-themed knickknacks near the front counter. “People loved coming in here until they started laughing at me.”
Observers noted that business had already begun tapering off days before the articles were published, following a series of unusually passionate Facebook posts authored by Anthony himself.
Those now-deleted posts reportedly accused Mayor Don Gerrie of everything from “celebrating the maple leaf takeover” to personally orchestrating the disappearance of the American flag during the council meeting. Another lengthy post allegedly questioned whether City Hall had become “a Canadian embassy with worse parking.”
The posts disappeared within days.
Anthony insists that deleting them proves they were never a problem.
“If they were offensive,” he explained, “I wouldn’t have deleted them. I deleted them because people couldn’t handle the truth.”
In what Anthony described as “a bold stand against fake news,” the café also quietly retired its longtime “Big Apple” sandwich from the menu, renaming it “The Big Freedom.” Anthony said he refused to allow “free advertising” for The Apple after the publication had “spent weeks attacking a small business.”
Restaurant regulars pointed out that nobody had ever associated the sandwich with the satirical news page.
Regular customers offered a different theory for the empty tables.
“I used to stop in for coffee every morning,” said one former patron. “Then my latte started coming with unsolicited geopolitical commentary.”
Another customer recalled being asked whether she was “buying local or funding Trudeau” before ordering a blueberry muffin.
Despite this, Anthony remains convinced the Facebook posts had absolutely nothing to do with declining sales.
“Those posts were masterpieces,” he said. “The real damage came when The Apple made fun of them. That’s when people started staying away.”
Employees, speaking anonymously because they hoped to keep their jobs until at least Friday, described the atmosphere inside the shop as “less coffee house and more three-hour cable news panel.”
The City Commission declined to comment on Anthony’s allegations, though one commissioner reportedly admitted confusion over being blamed for the price of coffee, tourism numbers, customer traffic, and “possibly weather.”
Mayor Don Gerrie likewise declined comment, though sources say he was surprised to learn he had apparently become the central figure in an elaborate conspiracy involving flags, satire, sandwiches, espresso, and now sandwich rebranding.
Undeterred, Chef Anthony maintains that he is the real victim in all of this.
“I deserve better,” he said. “I deserve better from the public. I deserve better from The Apple. I deserve better from the elected officials on the City Commission. Frankly, I deserve better from everyone.”
At press time, Anthony had reportedly begun drafting another Facebook post explaining why deleting his previous Facebook posts was, itself, part of the conspiracy.
