GLADSTONE, MICH. — A peaceful afternoon at Van Cleve Park took an unexpected turn Tuesday after Gladstone Public Safety officers responded to reports of a man allegedly “feeding the geese” near the waterfront—despite the complete and total absence of any geese.
Witnesses said the unusually large police response initially had park visitors fearing a medical emergency or serious crime.
“I counted three patrol vehicles,” said one resident enjoying lunch by the bay. “I figured somebody had driven into Little Bay de Noc. Then I heard an officer mention ‘feeding the geese,’ and somehow I had even more questions.”
Those questions only multiplied once it became clear there wasn’t a single goose anywhere in the vicinity.
“We looked everywhere,” another witness said. “The beach. The pavilion. The boat launch. Not one goose. Frankly, the only thing getting fed appeared to be… well… never mind.”
Authorities have not publicly explained exactly how the alleged feeding was taking place or why geese themselves were apparently unnecessary to the incident.
The suspect reportedly insisted he “wasn’t bothering anybody” and claimed he was simply “enjoying the scenery.”
Several nearby parkgoers admitted they suddenly became very interested in the scenery as well, hoping to determine what exactly had prompted such an aggressive law enforcement response.
“It was one of those situations where nobody wanted to make eye contact,” said one witness. “Everyone was pretending to watch the water while quietly wondering why the officers kept telling the guy to keep his hands where they could see them.”
One bystander said they remembered hearing that feeding geese carried about a $50 fine, but admitted the response from Gladstone Public Safety seemed “a little stiff.”
“I’m not saying they overreacted,” the witness said. “I’m just saying I’ve seen less urgency when actual geese were causing traffic problems.”
Parents at the playground reportedly ushered their children toward the swings without offering further explanation, while a group of retirees agreed it was “probably best not to ask.”
The geese, meanwhile, remained conspicuously absent.
“I’ve lived here thirty years,” one local said. “This is the first time I’ve ever seen someone get in trouble for feeding geese that never showed up.”
Gladstone Public Safety declined to elaborate on the incident, citing an ongoing investigation, but confirmed that no geese were injured, fed, or even contacted during the encounter.
At press time, a lone Canada goose reportedly landed near the shoreline, took one look around, and quietly flew somewhere else, apparently deciding it wanted no part of whatever was going on at Van Cleve Park that afternoon.
