ESCANABA — Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson reportedly left the Escanaba Secretary of State branch Friday “absolutely awestruck” after discovering what administration officials now believe is Michigan’s only branch to achieve the elusive 100% appointment enforcement rate, a feat state bureaucrats once considered mathematically impossible.
The revelation came after an undercover Daily Pasty reporter attempted the radical act of walking into the branch in hopes of obtaining a license plate.
According to the reporter, the experiment lasted approximately eight seconds.
“I’d like to get a plate today,” the reporter allegedly said.
The response was swift.
“Appointment or the door. Your choice.”
Witnesses say the employee then resumed staring into the middle distance with the thousand-yard gaze common among government workers who have completely accepted their place in the universe.
Unable to secure an interview inside the branch, the Daily Pasty staked out the parking lot until closing time, where one employee was spotted cautiously walking toward their vehicle.
The employee initially declined to comment before nervously glancing over both shoulders several times to ensure the branch manager wasn’t watching from behind a shrub, inside a parked car, or somehow emerging from the kiosk.
After being promised anonymity, the employee agreed to speak.
“Our instructions are pretty simple,” the employee whispered. “If they don’t have an appointment… well… let’s just say the official wording wasn’t exactly HR-approved.”
According to the employee, the branch manager regularly reminds staff: “If they didn’t make an appointment, screw ’em. I don’t work for them. The kiosk does.”
The employee reportedly sighed before adding, “Honestly, I think he’s trying to get promoted.”
State officials later confirmed he already has.
Benson herself reportedly reacted with disbelief after learning of the Escanaba branch’s appointment compliance.
“I was genuinely speechless,” she reportedly said while wiping away a tear. “When we launched the appointment initiative, I dreamed that one day somewhere in Michigan, someone would refuse to help a walk-in customer even when the lobby was completely empty. Escanaba made that dream a reality.”
Campaign aides say Benson now plans to feature the branch prominently in her gubernatorial campaign, calling it “the clearest demonstration yet that government efficiency means never having to interact with the public unless absolutely necessary.”
When asked about numerous complaints alleging the branch manager treats customers rudely, Benson dismissed the criticism.
“Actually, we’re promoting him,” she reportedly said. “He’s exactly the kind of leadership we’re looking for. He was thrilled when we mounted that plaque with his name on the wall. It lets everyone know who’s in charge before they even get ignored. Frankly, I think he deserves a larger plaque. Maybe bronze. Possibly illuminated.”
Outside the branch, customers interviewed by the Daily Pasty expressed considerably less enthusiasm.
“It’s ridiculous,” said one resident. “You walk in and nobody even acknowledges you. Eventually someone points at the kiosk and says, ‘Make an appointment.’ So you do exactly that. The next available time is three minutes from now. Then everyone just stares at you while you stand there… waiting… for your appointment… that exists only because they told you to make it while they weren’t helping anyone.”
Another customer shook his head.
“We’re just driving to Iron Mountain from now on. They use something called ‘common sense.’ It’s an experimental concept, apparently.”
Asked whether her office tracks customer satisfaction at the Escanaba branch, Benson smiled.
“We handle those numbers the same way we handle Republican mail-in ballots,” she reportedly joked. “Somehow… those results just seem to disappear.”
At press time, officials confirmed the Escanaba branch had successfully completed another full day of serving customers precisely on schedule, with at least four residents reportedly leaving with appointments for services they had originally requested while standing inside the building.
